Because Hogwarts Is Just A Magic Highschool
by nuggsnotdrugs
Summary: Wherein Remus is a fowl mouthed werewolf, James is a private school kid, Peter is a footstool for his childhood crush and Sirius is just trying to find himself. The Marauders throughout their Hogwarts years, written in a blend of bleak British humour and Harry Potter's whimsical fantasy. Chapter One: The Top Hat Wanker


James Potter had expected to receive a nickname upon arriving at Hogwarts. His father had prepared him for it, assuring the bright eyed boy that Dumbledore's school would be quite different to the private primary James had been previously attending. He had told stories of his own Hogwarts years with mirth, and had leant to whisper his own childhood nickname in his son's ear like it was a dark secret for only the two of them.

James hadn't thought it was all bad. Banana Boy was ridiculous, sure, but light hearted and no doubt the result of an inside joke. He had looked forward to his own nickname, a staple of his belonging in the Hogwarts community. Within mere minutes of entering the train, suitcase dragging behind him and briefcase in hand, he had thoroughly changed his mind.

"Is that the Minister of Magic, come to grace us with his presence." Someone had scoffed, flicking his bowler hat.

"Posh nonce." Came another voice from a nearby compartment, brimming with mirth and childish disgust.

"Top hat wanker!"

That was the one that stuck.

James only sniffed, jutting his nose into the air with stubborn pride. He stalked down the long train corridor, glancing sidelong into each compartment but finding none empty. He was just giving up hope something latched onto his right arm, and with a surprised grunt he was hefted into compartment. Indignant, a sharp reprimand was at the tip of his tongue, but his attacked got in the first word.

"What," he drawled, "the bloody _hell_ are you wearing."

The boy looked to be about James' age, though easily a half inch taller. His hair was unnaturally dark, and swept to the side in a wild style that James found rather off putting. His eyes were a cold grey, but sparkling with comradery, and his features were thin and elegantly carved. He lacked the remnants of baby fat that James was so insecure about.

James yanked his arm out of the boy's grasp. "My clothes." He said coldly.

"You're wearing a bloody top hat, mate."

"It's a bowler hat." James protested, his hand skimming the brim on instinct. "All the boys wore it at my old school."

"Where was your old school? Malory Towers." The boy chortled, but James didn't get the joke.

"Godric Hollow's Private School for Magically Gifted Boys." He answered primly.

The boy scoffed, and threw himself onto the empty compartment seat. "You're gonna be one of them, then, hey? High and mighty, pure blooded Slytherin wanker."

James bristled. "If I were to be sorted into Slytherin," he scowled, "I would off myself. And I'll have you know I'm very open minded about blood status."

The boy's laugh was a rough bark. "Really? What family are you from, them."

"Potter." James answered. "James Potter. Yourself?"

The boy grinned. "Sirius Black."

James gaped. "You're a Black?"

"That's what I said, then, isn't it?"

"Well, yes." James admitted. His eyes scanning Black's crooked smile and messy robes. "I just...wasn't expecting the heir of the Black family to be so..."

"Layed back?" Black guessed. "Friendly? Ruggedly handsome?"

James rolled his eyes. "Annoying."

Black laughed again. "The Potters, I know you. A family of Gryffindors, right? You're a bit posh for a blood traitor."

James leveled Black with the most serious gaze he could muster. "If you're going to talk bad about muggles or muggle borns, I'm going to leave this carriage."

Black seemed a bit out off for moment, but soon laughed it off. "Don't worry about any of that, mate. I'm not like the rest of my lot. Don't even want to be a Slytherin, do I."

James' eyes bulged. "Really? But Blacks are always Slytherin!"

Black seemed to bask in his disbelief. "Not me." He said smugly. "Now are you gonna sit down, or not?"

Took you long enough to invite me, Black." James snarked, seating himself opposite to the boy.

He waved a hand. "Call me Sirius, and I'll call you James. You gotta stop acting like you've got a broom up your ass."

"It's called manners, Sirius." James rolled his eyes. "Besides," he said slyly, "first years aren't allowed brooms."

Sirius laughed.

l•l

The train ride came and went in a blur. No one else joined them in the compartment; a few poked their heads in, but none found the people they were looking for and quickly retreated with an apology. Except for one young man with a face that looked as if it had been through a meet grinder gave James a sneer and a laughed "Top hat wanker" before he ducked out. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Top hat wanker?"

James shrugged. "You know what they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"Except polio."

"What?"

A few hours and a lengthy explanation of muggle illnesses later, a violent screech rocked the compartment as the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station. Sirius was on his feet and pulling down their luggage in a matter of moments. "Hurry up, James! Come on, I heard there's a giant squid and I wanna see it! Oh, and hide that top hat before we get off, yeah?"

James didn't hide the bowler hat, but opted to stow away the briefcase in his suitcase and Sirius seemed content with that. And so the two navigated through the bustling halls, James's hand laid protectively on his headpiece, until they managed to squeeze past a group of chattery older Hufflepuffs and through an exit into the open.

"Firs years! Firs years this way!" Came a jolly cry, and Sirius sneered. "I cant believe they're gonna seperate us from the higher years. Are they gonna give us a tour or something? Boring. Let's say we skip it?" He asked James, hopefully.

But James had bothered to let his gaze follow the calls, and his eyes had widened at the looming figure he saw through the smog. "Woah..." he breathed, nudging Sirius and pointing to the massive shadow. Sirius' jaw fell open.

"Woah..." He repeated.

Just then James felt something slam into his shoulder, and heard the by now familiar call of "Top hat wanker."

"Well, at least I'm mature enough to not use such vulgarities." He shouted after the brunette older girl, voice rising as she moved further away, barely even glancing back at him. He sighed. "This is not like Godric Hollow's."

Sirius wasn't listening. "Come on, I've changed my mind about skipping." He tugged James' arm. "I think this man's a giant!"

l•l

Apparently there were some delays with the sorting ceremony. Something to do with a rogue poltergeist, a dozen hamsters and Dumbledore's flowing locks, according to the disheveled young Ravenclaw who delivered the news to the stern woman who had introduced herself as Professor McGonagall. And so the nervous eleven year olds were left to chatter amongst themselves under her watchful eyes, just a door away from the Great Hall.

"That's a stupid hat." Came a voice from just behind James. He gave a frustrated sigh and crossed his arms over his chest, whirling around to face her. "I have had it up to here-" he announced, fully ready to give her a piece of his mind, but immediately faltered. Because she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen. "Oh."

Her hair was the first thing that caught his attention. It was unbelievably, eye-catchingly red, and straight save for a few stray curls framing her face. Her skin was lightly tanned, and freckles sprinkled her nose. Her eyes were piercing in a way that reminded James of Sirius, but they were colourful instead of bleak, and green. She smiled at him, and it became apparent there had been no ill intent behind her words.

She was just so...pretty. James found himself speechless, even as the moments passed by and the silence grew unbearable. Next to him, Sirius looked puzzled. "You right, mate?"

The girl blinked. "Had it up to where?" She asked. "With what?"

Sirius scowled at her. "Look at that, then." He growled. "You've bloody broken him."

Lily looked confused. "I was only saying that his hat was weird. Because it is."

"Yeah? Well he's a top hat wanker, sure, but at least he's not a freckled wanker."

Her mouth fell open. "Ex- _cuse_ me?"

James groaned.

"Lily? What's going on?" Asked someone new, and a dark haired boy sidled up next to the girl. His hair was black, and cut similar to Sirius', but was greasy and matted and held none of the same roguish charm. His nose was hooked, and his eyes squinty. He glared at James and Sirius. "Are they annoying you?"

"Nah." Sirius' gaze was frosty. "She's annoying us. Making fun of my mate's hat."

The new boy's gaze wandered to James. "I wonder why." He drawled.

"I wasn't making fun of it!" Lily protested, anger and confusion both battling for reign over her features. "I just said it's funny."

"Well it's not funny." Sirius said slowly, as if he were speaking to a child.

"Yes, it is." Lily responded, mimicking his mocking tone.

"Sirius-" James managed to choke out through his mortification and awe, but his mate shut him up with a reassuring pat on the back.

"Don't worry about it, mate. I'll defend your honour."

Please don't, James wanted to say.

"There's no honour to defend." The new boy snorted. "That hat's an insult to wizarding and muggle fashion alike."

"McGonagall, you seem an intelligent woman." Said Sirius, now very cross. The professor tilted her chin towards him, a single thin eyebrow arched. "Can you tell these two-"

"Oh," McGonagall interrupted before Sirius could attempt to prove his point. "I _seem_ intelligent _,_ do I? How lovely of you to say."

"No, I just meant-"

"I've long since been insecure about my capacity for learning, so it's nice to have it ratified by you," The professor continued, her tone clipped and lips pinched. "An eleven year old child."

Sirius gaped in an admirable impression of a goldfish, just as the carved doorway behind the professor opened of its apparent own accord. It's heavy creak was drowned by the onslaught of cheery voices and bright chatter that had lay beyond it, and the young students found themselves blinking against the warm glow.

"It seems we're wanted." McGonagall said, her exchange with Sirius forgotten. "Come, children. Follow me."

l•l

Sirius was waiting for James at the Gryffindor table. "Well," he said with shaky confidence, "that went well."

"Really?" James said, sliding onto the bench next to Sirius. "I think it went awfully. The Slytherins don't seem happy at all."

"You don't get out much, do you." Sirius said dryly, glaring at his intertwined fingers. "Mom's gonna be pissed."

"I'm sure she'll understand." James promised. "What's the worst she can do-"

He was cut of by a sudden onslaught of hushes from the older students around him; apparently someone important was being sorted, and they wanted to see it. He shot Sirius and apologetic look, and the two sat in silence until the sorting ended with a dark skinned "Zequin, Suzy" heading to Ravenclaw. The cheers from her house settled into silence when Dumbledore approached the podium.

"Good morning, Hogwarts." He announced with a warm smile. "Welcome, first years, and welcome back to all our returning students. Before we move into tonight's dinner, I'd like to say a few words. I promise, they will not take more than a few minutes of your time..."

l•l

Exactly forty seven minutes later, the stretching tables in front of the students were finally lit up with up with food, and the need for silence and fasting was past. Sirius attacked a nearby chicken with vigour, drenching his plate with gravy. James settled for a small bread roll, which he buttered carefully. He took note of the other first year Gryffindors, all of whom were crowding the seats around him.

There were sixteen of them, in total; seven boys and nine girls. James was pleased to note that the pretty red head was sitting just a few places down from him, and even more pleased to note that her shorter companion was nowhere to be seen. He didn't recognise anyone else, other than (of course) Sirius next to him. He cleared his throat.

"Good day, fellow first years. It's wonderful to meet you all. I'm James Potter."

"Mate..." Sirius groaned. "Take the broom outta your ass."

A girl sitting across the table squinted. She was about the same height as James, but considerably bulkier with muscle, and her long blonde hair was styled in a messy bun. "I know you." She said loudly. "You're top hat wanker."

"Can people stop using that word?" Lily asked crossly. "My mother says it's in bad taste."

"My mother does too." Sirius agreed. "Which is why I say it. Wanker, wanker, wanker."

"And, actually," James said politely, "it's a bowler hat. They're quite different."

"I think it looks cool." Said a plump boy sitting on the other side of Sirius.

"I don't." Said the blonde, crossing her arms. "Potter, did you say? I'm Longbottom. Charlie Longbottom."

"That's unfortunate." Said the boy on James' other side, so quietly that James almost didn't realise it was him.

Longbottom slammed her hands on the table, causing cutlery to jump and eyes to swing her way, though only the first years' stuck. "Excuse me?" She asked dangerously, and James was startled to realise she was glaring at him. "Did you just make fun of my surname?"

"Wha-no!"

"Oh yeah?" She growled. "D'you take me for a moron."

Lily gave a disgusted sigh. "So you can't handle me saying your hat's a bit funny, but you'll make fun of a girl's last name? You're horrible, Potter."

"It wasn't me!" James protested. "It was him!" He pointed at the boy, who was only a small bit taller than he was. His hair was chocolate brown, died blonde at the tips. His accent was decidedly Scottish. He blinked.

Longbottom scoffed. "Macfusty? Macfusty's a perfect angel; already fixed up some water a fifth year spilt on me. Don't try to blame him for this, he doesn't deserve it."

"Longbottom, I'm not lying here-" James began, but he was interrupted by a sharp shove from behind. His hands flew to the table to brace himself, and he barely managed to stop his face from landing in his salad.

"Oops, sorry." Came a silky voice that didn't sound sorry in the least. Sirius cringed, and turned.

"Hallo, Bellatrix. Fancy seeing you here."

The girl he called Bellatrix was tall, and had to have been a seventh year. Her hair was dark and curly, but styled in an eloquent manner that James couldn't help but envy. Her eyes were hard. "Your mother's not gonna be happy." She all but sung, seeming much too happy about her words.

Sirius matched her cheerful tone. "No, she's not. How astute of you."

Bellatrix cast a judgemental eye over the table. "Not the best company you're keeping. Mudbloods and traitors, I see."

"Don't use that word." James said before he could stop himself. The look Bellatrix gave him could have frozen a puppy's heart.

"Don't speak to me." She commanded.

"How about you don't speak to him, huh?" Sirius said, rising to his feet.

"That doesn't make sense." Bellatrix sneered. "He spoke to me first."

"You're the one that approached our table." Said Lily, arms crossed and chin in the air. James' heart fluttered.

"I am a prefect." Bellatrix spoke slowly, her voice commanding the hoard of eleven year olds. "And you will speak to me with respect. Understood?"

There was a tense silence. "Understood." Lily muttered sullenly.

Bellatrix turned her attention back to Sirius, and her lip curled. "You're not even worth my time." She decided, before turning heel and stalking away. Sirius glared at her back for a moment before sitting down again. He cast Lily a disgusted look.

"You gave up quickly, didn't you."

Lily seemed affronted. "She's a prefect! I'm not sticking my neck out for you against a prefect."

Sirius scoffed. "Should have gone to Slytherin with your slimy little friend."

"That's enough." Said a new face, sitting next to Longbottom. Her skin was dark, and her bushy hair stood on end. "I can't believe I'm stuck in Gryffindor." She said, glaring around at them.

Sirius stood abruptly. "I've had enough of this." He decided, "I'm going to my dormitory."

Longbottom scoffed. "You don't even know the way there."

"I'll find my way there." Sirius seethed. "Coming, James?"

James stood, and the two left the Great Hall against a halfhearted onslaught of "House traitor!" and "Top hat wanker!"

He wasn't sure he liked Hogwarts.

l•l

They should have listened to Longbottom.

"I'll find it, I know I will." Sirius was muttering sullenly, scuffing the ancient stone floor with his shoes.

"I don't think you will." James groaned. "This place is of ridiculous proportions."

"Lost, are we?" James jumped at the sudden voice, and whirled to face the painting it came from. There was a young lady there, her cheeks full and blonde hair in braids. Next to her was a man of about the same age. They were draped over each other suggestively, and James' nose squished with disgust.

"Yes, we are." Sirius spoke boldly. "And it's James' fault."

"What?"

The couple laughed condescendingly. "I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark," said the man, eyebrows raised, "and guess that you're both Gryffindors."

"Wouldn't have it any other way." Sirius said haughtily.

The girl pointed up ahead. "Just go past two intersections there, then to the right. It'll be the first doorway on your left."

"Really?" James asked, unsure. "We're on the first floor. I though Gryffindor Tower was...well, a tower."

The man rolled his eyes, and the couple shared a look. "So ungrateful. It's a secret passage way, it'll take you up to your tower."

"A secret passage?" Sirius seemed overjoyed. "Brilliant! Let's go, then."

"Thank you!" James called as he was pulled away. The couple didn't respond.

l•l

"This is it!" Sirius called, his feet slipping on stone as he rounded the sharp corner. He stopped, and waited for James' shorter legs to catch up, chanting "Secret passage. Secret passage. Secret passage." With unbridled energy bursting through his words.

When James caught up, his breath was coming in short pants and his skin's heat had fogged up his glasses. "Wait a second, will you chap?" He asked, attempting to wipe them down on his robes. Sirius didn't listen, his hand catching James' sleeve and pulling him, near blind, through the doorway.

They were hit by immediate darkness, and the door swung shut behind them. James hesitated, hastily trying to clean his glasses.

"I guess we just walk forward?" Sirius asked, the bluster in his voice suddenly fading away.

"Are you scared of the dark." Laughed James, taking a confident step forward. His arms flew outwards when his foot hit nothing, grasping hurriedly for something to halt his sudden fall forward. It latched onto Sirius, who let out an indignant "Hey!" before they both fell down, through the darkness.

l•l

They fell for long enough that James was sure they would be squished upon impact, but there must have been a softening charm, for their landing was unpleasant, but far from fatal. James' hands grasped the floor around him, feeling for his glasses. The floor was damp, and he withheld the urge to shudder. After a few moments, he gave up on his search and simply sat, pouting in the dark. At least he had found his hat. "Well I can't see," he said crossly, "but I have an inkling we're not at Gryffindor Tower."

"They get you too, did they?"

James felt Sirius jump in the dark. "Who're you?" The lanky boy asked aggressively. "And who're they?"

"The couple, from the portrait. They told me this was the way to Gryffindor Tower, but I'm inclined to believe this dank hole isn't where I'll be sleeping."

"You're a Gryffindor, then?" James asked. "First year?"

"Yep." The boy confirmed. "Remus Lupin, pleasure to meet you."

"And yourself." James said, rather pleased that at least one other person had a good understanding of manners. "I'm James Potter, and this is Sirius Black."

"Oh, I remember you." There was understanding in Lupin's voice. "You're the one all the Slytherins were upset about, right?"

"Nah, that's me." Sirius interjected. "James is the top hat wanker."

"It's a bowler hat."

"My dad wears a bowler hat." Lupin said, conversationally. "It looks rather professionally."

"Mine does too." James boasted.

"Have you found a way outta here?" Sirius changed the subject.

"If I did," Lupin remarked dryly, "would I still be here?"

"I dunno. Maybe you're the sorta fella who likes hanging out in dark holes."

"Well I'm not."

"Oh."

James pulled himself to his feet and stumbled forwards clumsily until his outstretched hands brushed against the wall. Getting his bearings, he began searching for a doorway. The hole was round, and small, and he didn't find anything but smooth stone. He let out a gust of air, frustrated.

"Have you tried any magic?" Sirius asked.

"What sort of magic?" Lupin asked.

"I dunno. An opening charm?"

"Do you know an opening charm?"

"No."

"I don't either."

There was a terse silence, before Sirius spoke again. "Have you tried kicking it?"

"Kicking the wall?" Remus sounded incredulous.

"Yes."

"It's made of stone."

"We're in a magic castle, Lupin. Anything could happen. Try kicking the wall."

"You try kicking the wall."

James tried kicking the wall. It just hurt.

"It just hurts." He said.

There was a clank in the dark, then a loud crash coming from the walls. The boys scurried when the stone began to peel away, and Lupin said some violent words James recognised as muggle but didn't understand. Their eyes squinted against the violent white light. Standing in the middle of their newfound way to freedom was a figure dressed in Gryffindor robes, a wand in his hands. When his eyes finally adjusted, James noted there was a smile on the boy's face.

"Sirius Black, James Potter, and you'll be Remus Lupin, right?" He asked cheerily, pocketing his wand.

"Yes." Sirius responded guardedly. "And who are you?"

"Frank Longbottom. Prefect. My sister sent me, said you'd be lost, and I had a feeling you'd be here. Those two like tricking naive firsties."

"I'm not naive!" Sirius protested, his hands in fists.

"And that's why I had to save you, then, is it?" Longbottom laughed. "Come on, I'll take you to the tower before we get in trouble."

l•l

As it turned out, James would sharing a dormitory with both Sirius and Lupin, as well as the plump boy from the Great Hall. He was rather pleased with this arrangement; Sirius was a good bloke, and Lupin seemed good fun. The other boy was asleep by the time Longbottom snuck them into Gryffindor Tower, so he couldn't say much on his part, but he had complimented James' hat, so there was that.

Lupin slipped into bed almost the moment they arrived, changing behind the drapes. Sirius nudged James, gesturing at his wizard chess board, but James shook his head. Classes, after all, would begin the very next day.


End file.
